I am in tears right now.  I have promised to see Elizabeth and have made arrangements not everyone in the family can come with me but it is her Birthday how can I tell her I cannot come at the last minute.    I have been very busy at work today and have not had time to properly sort things out and now I am trying to do this.  The garage has informed me there may be a problem with my car.  Former friends stole money I gave to repair my car and I understand from the Police this car has been scrapped.   I will never get my car back and trusted these longstanding “friends” and the court has ruled that there is nothing they can do so I have lost money however I bought another car and paid for this car and now something major is wrong so the mechanic thinks.  Anyway I have no choice but to  hire a car but the trouble is it is late and the car hire shop does not open until 9.30 am I wanted to leave well before then.    Anyway things like this in life happen and more than one thing seems to go wrong for me.  It may take some weeks to get my car repaired as the garage in the next road is very busy and I do not wish to drive it if it will cause harm to the car.  I know this is nothing compared to what some people are going through but sometimes little things like this can become unbearable.  Elizabeth has texted me to say she is looking forward to seeing me and last time I was late in arriving as there was roadworks and trouble on the roads and she was anxious and upset.  Anyway I must pull myself together – there are times I feel I am on my own when dealing with things as no one understands.  My younger daughter is happy now –  there is case similar to hers in the papers right now – my younger daughter did not want to live and I have copies of the cyber bullying she received and physical threats at the time.  Some children do not know how damaging this can be however far more damaging and what is not reported are the mind altering drugs.  For instance Elizabeth did not experience what her younger sister did at school but Elizabeth must have gone to her doctors and the doctor gave her some anti-depressants.  Who on earth advised her this!  I would have said NO DONT GO.  I remember when I lost my mother and she died of cancer after three years of seeing her go downhill I went to the doctor and asked for sleeping tablets and got offered Valiium.  Luckily I realised –  I did not take many.  I would never ever advise anyone to take these tablets I soon got to find that I was craving for them and knew I had to stop.  After that experience I have never ever touched another drug.  I do not drink much – if I go out just in moderation as drinking can lead to you feeling depressed and as for drugs even though I did not take much of the highly addictive Valium I am thankful that I realised and I felt absolutely terrible at having nothing which at the time I felt bolstered my confidence through a difficult period of losing my mother and watching her go downhill and putting on a show of strength.  I overheard on the telephone that she had two weeks to live.  My mother did not want me to know however what is better knowing or not knowing in the circumstances.  I suppose this has made me an open person who does not feel ashamed of having two daughters under the mental health.    I suppose being just a mother it is easy for me to comment – it must be far worse if someone is a patient and has experienced what is on offer on the wards and it is of no fault of some of the dedicated nurses.  I have recently met some really decent professionals just when I thought there was nothing here in the UK.  It is true there is much dishonesty and much is hidden from the public.  Unless you are affected yourself who cares about the mentally ill.  Some people have no sympathy – they think they have themselves to blame but what I have seen has opened my eyes and when I see someone on the streets I no longer think the way I used to –  no one can understand unless they really research matters and some may think people who are diagnosed with these labels are dangerous to the public and should be locked up and that it is the right thing to do to drug them up.   I would suggest that such people read books to educate themselves like I have done.    One way or another tomorrow I shall make the journey and I think the best option is to hire the car as I will need a car there in Wales.  I have booked the usual accommodation but again this is a flying visit –   just two nights in accommodation and about 1 day with Elizabeth.  Elizabeth I do not feel is any better.  She has to cling on to us to walk, she cannot stand to be in crowds any more, she feels dizzy, ill after eating, she is like a child excited at me coming to see her tomorrow so I cannot let her down. 

I have to use up two days holiday from last year this month but the timing of all this could not be worse. 

Once in Wales I hope to go out with Elizabeth in the car places but wherever I go I have to think about peacefulness of the area and Elizabeth is petrified of heights – she is more anxious than ever before – she is more disabled than ever before and she has a new diagnosis that I bet no one has told her of.  She has only just been told about her forthcoming release.  Now what!  Elizabeth faces a lifetime of drugging – shortening of her life by 20 years.  All because she did not have the right care in the first place.  Guess what – Elizabeth can remember everything –  I was shocked –  At Xmas Elizabeth sat down with me to talk – all 14 mind altering drugs and what have they done for her – nothing.  Elizabeth is now suffering from physical health problems and on Metformine which the team say is for weight loss however Dr Ann Blake Tracy who the previous consultant psychiatrist called a “Quack”  said otherwise and so have other experts so who do I believe.  Who could be covering up truth.  I would rather have the truth any day and if something happened to my daughter be told – I would respect this and would not go running to a solicitor not that there is any that would take on such a case because my eyes have been opened wider from what I have seen.  I am lucky Elizabeth is being released but what about all the others and some who do not have mothers to stick up for them and expose what is really going on.   “you are up against a lot of power ”  – in response to these comments  God is more powerful than anyone and may God look at this situation and do something about it. 

There is research that is not widely known about by the public – there is a lot going on behind the scenes and I may well need another appointment to discuss further issues.  Sandra has sent me the business plan in draft for Chy Sawel and it is my dream to see some humane care in the UK –  it is not that there are not humane people it is the SYSTEM IS ROTTEN.  What are we headed for – an army state of healthcare?  I have been looking at the backgrounds of some of the top people in care right now – an army state of healthcare is what it looks like to me and I am just a mother but there are people making a lot of money out of misery right now and others who are afraid that may not agree with what is going on in their profession or what they see right now.  They are afraid their reputations will be ruined, they will lose their jobs or suffer bullying or harassment or worse.  Well I think myself lucky.  Twitter lately has come up with certain well known people being bullied, threatened – even death threats well as far as I am concerned I am grateful –  I am grateful for all the support I have had from strangers and I have not h ad such threats yet I am speaking out about a subject that I would expect to get such threats and if anyone has any grievances I would be more than willing to meet with them personally as I cannot see anything more cowardly than a death threat on line.  It is better to say things face to face and be honest in my opinion.

I feel I am in a hopeless situation.  Every day my daughter is receiving 850mg of poison which is not making her any better.  I doubt the team have told her of the new diagnosis of PTSD which I happen to agree with.  With a new diagnosis should come a new treatment but there is not yet one specialised centre established but as I have said there is a lot going on behind the scenes right now and I think that a slice of the money being used right now to appoint professionals to work alongside the police should be offer and that the Professors who are doing the vital research into really improving the system should be given the maximum in research money by the Government as the whole care system is in crisis.  If the care is the same as in the NHS – just a more luxurious environment – in my opinion this is not the right answer.  A proper assessment centre is needed as mistakes can be made – if a mistake is made and someone is wrongly labelled and say like they cannot metabolize the drugs then this could be doing harm to their physical health. 

If Elizabeth feels well enough she may wish to write to you herself.  By the way for anyone who thinks it is wrong what I am doing my daughter is entitled to know I have a website although I do not tell her absolutely everything on my outspoken comments on the drugs for which I have no regrets or apologies.   If they work for some people I am not telling anyone to stop taking them.  I am not commenting on other people’s cases.  All I can see if the harm they are doing for Elizabeth and right from the very start –  The antidepressant Cipralex caused severe mood swings ranging from suicidal thoughts to aggression and as friends comments “she is unrecognisable”.  Yes – that says it all.  There is also now talk about the long term effects of these drugs and the harm they do to someone and yet only as a last resort is anyone taken off them – why wait – why are there not any centres to deal with this.  ANY drug is harmful to come off not just psychiatric drugs.  There is help for some on illicit drugs.  There is no help for those once labelled from a condition which may be entirely wrong like in Elizabeth’s case.  Then you get the threats and bullying from the team if you dare to ever challenge what is going on. The only time the smiles were taken off their faces was when I announced I was on the Police training course.  I only wish that there had been the funding to do what I really wanted to do at the time for m e and that was to the a Police Community Support Officer – simply because I wanted to work with people like my daughter who I respect 100% – they are the most decent and honest people I have come across and there is so much ignorance out there I would welcome anyone to contact me and to meet me in person.

I have not finished publicising the wonderful New Psychiatry Blog by my  guest blogger who by the way I appointed as an advocate.  The reason I appointed this person as advocate was that I was very impressed with his honesty, experience of the system, enthusiasm and I think that someone like this could have a very positive role.  To think that the team once described me as “over protective”.  My answer to this is nonsense – I would personally appoint a former patient as a peer support and I have seen there are good professionals out there I would wish to appoint as well like Joanna Moncrieff for instance.  I am hoping to meet similar minded experts when I go to a certain venue that is opening shortly. I would also applaud Dr Ann Blake Tracy and Dr Walsh.





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